Saturday, December 31, 2016

black my way

It's winter break. My schedule is blank. All of the time I wanted to develop habits like reading, meditating, and cleansing is right in front of me, waiting for me to take advantage. I've been piling up a list of compelling books on racism for almost a year now. For some reason, I can't bring myself to read them. I'm exhausted with the idea of racism.

A part of me wants to know about legends like Angela Davis, Assata Shakur, and Maya Angelou. I want to learn about their struggles and the impact they have had on society. I just don't want to bring myself to the amount of anger, hopelessness, and feelings of defeat I know I'm going to experience once I'm done with the reading those pieces. I've been black my entire life, but I wasn't aware of the global stigma that came with blackness until I was 17. I'm 19 now and sick of entertaining the shit. How could we allow ourselves to be consumed with this construct that has been scientifically proven to play no factors in who we truly are? Why do I continue to validate it?

A part of me feels race was created to keep us black people feeling psychologically confined. In reality, there's nothing stopping any of us from going after what we want. A part of me wants to stop focusing on the fact that I am socioeconomically oppressed. If I keep thinking about how disadvantaged I am, that thought will manifest itself into my daily life in one way or the other.

We all have obstacles whose entire purpose serves in holding us back.

Don't get me wrong, white man. My life is still ridiculously harder than yours. However, when it comes down to my ambitions and life plans, your easy white life compared to my difficult one means absolutely nothing. I either reach my goals or let my circumstances swallow me whole. My blackness isn't going anywhere.

Plus, I have the future to think of. I'm not doing anything for next generation's black girls by reminding myself that life is hard for me because of how I look. Who's going to open the gate for them to be carefree?

I still have a desire to learn about the great women that have shaped our society, but I'll go about changing the world in my own way. They must think I'm so privileged to be able to think of race as an idea that I can just shake off. To Maya, Angela, Assata, and so many others: thank you. I appreciate you for liberating me. I will use my freedom to lead in a way that I think is best for me and those to come. Something is telling me that's all you ladies wanted in the first place.

Saturday, April 16, 2016


As soon as finals are done, I’m starting an series where I’m going to speak on everything I personally value. It’s also going to be about my personal opinions. This could be my thoughts on anything—my career, family, philosophy, etc. Like a personal bible. I might buy a separate book just for this. I constantly have so many conflicting opinions in my head... it’s important to me that I start being decisive and clear in every aspect of my life, and that has to start with myself. And of course my opinions will change, but I never want to be in the middle of what I used to think and new information I've learned. I don’t want to say “i don’t know" anymore. About anything. 

Thursday, April 14, 2016

“i’m not loud, or outrageous, or a white girl with a big ass, but i’m fuckin honest” —DG

.... but it'sallgooooood

Today was… eventful.
I went to sleep uber-anxious after crying for three hours (life). As soon as I got to class, everything was fixed. There will be some penalties, but it’ll all be fine. I can't afford to slack off this weekend. Or the weekend after that… or the one after that. 1x for mother nature...
If it wasn’t for my friends, my AMAZING, constantly positive friends, I would have felt so hopeless today. 
My mom called me to be a mom, in the moment when I expected it least. It made me laugh, in the moment... but now that I think about it, I'm really upset. This only makes me want to be more and more successful so that I can prove her wrong, because she’s unfortunately right. She just doesn’t want me to be a broke bitch, I get that... but I can't spend 10 years in a career that I don't have my heart set out on.  She thinks i’m wasting my knowledge, her sacrifice, her money. Thinks I need prayer. I personally think I'm done with this argument. I can't be guilted into medical school. We’re going to have to come to a compromise…. I'm drawing the line after that. 
I hate fake b******… currently trying my hardest to step my "ignoring your existence even though we used to be bffs" game up.
I saw so many crushes today. emphasis on "saw." No speaking. I'm a punk.
I won in this little styling competition, and I get to work in a fashion show happening in late may. I’ll be damned if I take these opportunities for granted. (excuse my french)

Now, I have to do work. Got dance practice in an hour. lesssdodis.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

must... eat... healthy....

  1. you're diabetes prone.
  2. this will help your hair grow more than any product or vitamin will.
  3. your skin will be beautiful. the glo is necessary.
  4. let's be honest, this processed food shit isn't cute. neither is the fact that it can lead to cancer.
  5. you're anemic so you're already tired all of the time. junk food is killing your energy.
  6. you're a future #girlboss. you have to have more self discipline and control. in ALL aspects of your life.
  7. buying junk food is sunk cost! you're too broke to not be investing every dollar you have into becoming a better you.
  8. you know better. it's time to do better!
*sobs* goodbye :( forever :(( no more fucking around w this. it's childish at this point.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

in my future blog:

i'll have my portfolio, posts of my outfits and hanging out with friends, and occasional lessons on fashion history/analysis of culture. nothing about my personal life.

sat 03|11

just envisioned this outfit in its super saiyan form. love when i can do that.

leather jacket, glossy heeled booties, and a deep red shade of lipstick. nails painted of course (red). hair either down and curly or in a ponytail. feel free to copy my ideas, no need to be selfish w talent :-)