Monday, November 23, 2015

golden thoughts: september to november

sept 2

i've literally just been making new friends for a week straight. gone out every day in the past week... that's not even like me. or is it? question: can making new friends but not introducing them to each other be toxic???i'm dying to see the "China" before it closes. NY's prices are just like, "ok, die." Anna has got to hook a young protégé up. New York is cute, not free. but it brings hope and the independence itch I've been missing for a while. i have fire (and other health hazards) in my belly, if you know what i mean. next question: what am i gonna do with it? 
sept 6

i have remarkable eyes. it almost surprises me when people don't see what i see. "you actually read magazines?" "you're still on tumblr?" "why do you screenshot stuff?" "why'd you write that down?" what do you mean? if you like something you see, why not take note of it? personally, my mind is always somewhere else; if i don't journal my entire life, I'll forget all about it. i still miss the journal i used to have in third grade. i feel the urge to document the things i experience because i'm always so bored. i might not get that wow factor about my life for another week/month/year. i take note of my good eyes so that when life drags on, i'll have something for them to look at.
sept 16

every night, i am going to sleep doing what i love. every day, i am doing what i have to do to make something of myself.

"i outgrew him"
"don't you outgrow and move on to something better?"

it would be cool to be a model on the side. being recognized by an agency as being beautiful? and then getting paid for it? along with being black, therefore inspiring other lil black girls? also getting to post selfies limitlessly because that's what model mamis do? lituationz. people will literally idolize your life because they think you're pretty lol it's actually kind of gross. it is power though. i'd have a bigger influence than I'd even realize.

sept 20
i'm so fucked but imma convince myself that i planned for it to be this way and that i'm having fun with it.

knowing people look up to me in any sort of way doesn't gas me, it humbles me. it lets me know that someone's watching me and that I still have to act like a proper human being. i am an ASSHOLE when I feel like my life doesn't matter and that people don't really care for me. i have to remind myself that influence over people, even if it's just my little sister and her friends. the more influence I know I have, the more influence I know I could get. i become more human by being mused.

november 5
intro to knowing when to speak and to knowing when u should probably stfu. a course taught by me.
this blog shit has my stomach churning
it’s so awkward when you realize ur thoughts r repetitive.
it’s so awkward when u realize ur human. and that ppl u thought were demigods are human too.
beyonce on my screen.
moving out will sure be an experience.
going home and getting yelled at will sure b an experience.
do people not realize that rihanna was a big force in this blended gender role fashion thing?
9/10 times when im typing as fast as i am on this keyboard rn, i’m either talking shit or takin notes. take that how u want.
my time is so valuable, niggas never see me. im like a damn mirage.

nov 8
when you realize you probably wont get married until you’re 40 because you’re fucking weird.

i’m literally the biggest opp when it comes to the prototype. i’m darkskin, shy but not quiet, abstinent, am too social-justice-y, talk too much shit, mean looking, am not always looking like a bag of money, want something else to do with with my life besides getting married. i literally have no choice but to focus on my career because let’s be honest there is nothing attractive about me when it comes to a first impression lmao.