Saturday, December 31, 2016

black my way

It's winter break. My schedule is blank. All of the time I wanted to develop habits like reading, meditating, and cleansing is right in front of me, waiting for me to take advantage. I've been piling up a list of compelling books on racism for almost a year now. For some reason, I can't bring myself to read them. I'm exhausted with the idea of racism.

A part of me wants to know about legends like Angela Davis, Assata Shakur, and Maya Angelou. I want to learn about their struggles and the impact they have had on society. I just don't want to bring myself to the amount of anger, hopelessness, and feelings of defeat I know I'm going to experience once I'm done with the reading those pieces. I've been black my entire life, but I wasn't aware of the global stigma that came with blackness until I was 17. I'm 19 now and sick of entertaining the shit. How could we allow ourselves to be consumed with this construct that has been scientifically proven to play no factors in who we truly are? Why do I continue to validate it?

A part of me feels race was created to keep us black people feeling psychologically confined. In reality, there's nothing stopping any of us from going after what we want. A part of me wants to stop focusing on the fact that I am socioeconomically oppressed. If I keep thinking about how disadvantaged I am, that thought will manifest itself into my daily life in one way or the other. How am I supposed to tell the difference between when I'm actually being oppressed versus when I'm victimizing myself? How can I tell the difference between feeling attacked because something actually happened to me and feeling slighted because I took actions that led me to an inevitable outcome?

We all have obstacles whose entire purpose serves in holding us back. I'm just tired of feeling cursed.

Don't get me wrong, white man. My life is still ridiculously harder than yours. However, when it comes down to my ambitions and life plans, your easy white life compared to my difficult one means absolutely nothing. I either reach my goals or let my circumstances swallow me whole because blackness isn't going anywhere.

Plus, I have the future to think of. I'm not doing anything for next generation's black girls by reminding myself that life is hard for me because of how I look. Who's going to open the gate for them to be carefree?

I still have a desire to learn about the great women that have shaped our society, but I'll go about changing the world in my own way. They must think I'm so privileged to be able to think of race as an idea that I can just shake off. To Maya, Angela, Assata, and so many others: thank you. I appreciate you for liberating me. I will use my freedom to lead in a way that I think is best for me and those to come. Something is telling me that's all you ladies wanted in the first place.